By Robert E. Quinn
Collaboration across organizational boundaries is a great challenge. There are many structural variables that make collaboration difficult. Yet some of the variables are not structural. They are personal issues that eventually become part of the culture.
Over the years I have had many occasions when I have been told things like this: “We cannot have this vice president’s people in the same room with this vice president’s people.”
Because of the conflict between two people, dysfunctional patterns and thick boundaries become etched on entire organizations. I have often talked about grave cost of such negative patterns and how to change them. Recently I have been thinking about the costs from a different perspective. Here I would like to consider the need for forgiveness in individuals.
When we are offended by another person it is normal to have negative emotions. There are several possible responses:
- We may hold these in and avoid confronting the situation. Holding such negative emotions may impact us in many ways that are unhealthy.
- Another alternative is to seek revenge. This approach often gives rise to a vicious cycle in which negative behaviors on the part of one party beget more negative behaviors and the part of the other.
- A third alternative is to learn to transform negative feelings into positive feelings through the practice of forgiveness. Research suggests that the forgiveness is an important source of positive power [1].
The Responses
- Revenge: When negative behaviors are imposed on us by others we have a natural tendency to either avoid the offender or to seek revenge for the perceived transgression. This is particularly true when the offense is seen as intentional, severe and results in extreme negative consequences. The tendency to retaliate appears to be biologically, psychologically and sociologically ingrained.
- Forgiveness: An alternative to avoidance and revenge is the exercise of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a shift in our feelings, thoughts and behaviors. The perceived transgressor become less negative and more positive. This capacity to forgive appears to develop with age. As people grow older they often mature in their ability to reason based on moral principles. As people progress through the stages of moral reasoning they are more likely to practice forgiveness. People with a forgiveness orientation tend to be more physically and psychologically healthy. They tend to be more agreeable and tend to have a greater capacity for empathy. They experience less anxiety, depression, anger and hostility. They tend to be less neurotic, narcissistic, exploitative and passive-aggressive. The ability to forgive others, to forgive self and to forgive God have all been shown have positive outcomes.
Acquiring an Assett
Forgiveness is an asset. The forgiveness process can lead to a change in how we feel about others, how they feel about us and how we feel about ourselves. Research shows that making apologies increases the likelihood of being forgiven. In the eyes of the other person, the apology maker is seen in a more generous way, perhaps transformed from a perceived attacker to a lovable human being. Creating more positive relationships may trigger a virtuous cycle of positive emotion. Interestingly, the research shows that people are more likely to engage in forgiveness in relationships of high satisfaction, commitment and closeness. They are also more likely to succeed in the forgiveness process if they participate in religious groups that encourage it. It has also been shown that groups designed to support people in the process can be effective. The data suggest that we would be wise to monitor our feelings towards others, to discipline ourselves to engage in the process of forgiveness and to spend time in groups and organizations that foster such counter-normal but positive personal activities.
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References
[1] MCCULLOUGH MICHAEL E. AND CHARLOTTE VANOYEN WITVLIET. 2002. The psychology of
forgiveness. In Handbook of Positive Psychology, C.R. Snyder and S.J. Lopez, eds., pp. 446–458.
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Thanks, so much, for sharing this with us. Over the years, I have learned that we have three options in a difficult situation: 1) Try to change it; 2) Leave it; 3) Accept it.
When we cannot carry out 1 and 2, we are left with acceptance. A part of acceptance generally involves forgiveness.
Those of us whose spiritual origins are in Christianity often think that “turning the other cheek” means being a door mat or tolerating abuse. But, this phrase is about forgiveness, without which we are locked into hate or revenge or anger or other negative feelings.
These negative feelings and behaviors bring more negativity to the feeler that to the person toward whom we feel them. Creating a vicious cycle of negativity.
Through forgiveness, we can choose to break that cycle for ourselves and, as a result, for the world.
I have experienced two separate situations in my career where I was sent an email that I felt was out of line and unfair. My first impulse was to send a defensive email, in which the first case, I did. It turned into an awkward working environment for the both of us and in turn created a more difficult environment for team work and collaboration.
When confronted with this recently, I took the forgiveness approach and battled it with kindness and apologies. She later learned the circumstance was a misunderstanding and we now have an even stronger working relationship. I did however draft a defensive email to make myself feel better. in my draft folder in outlook.
While revenge is tempting, forgiveness, like you said above, is an asset well worth acquiring.